the process

It's a slow process, for healing is just that - a process. We have so many issues to work through and come to a peace with: the why's, that horrendous guilt that seems to have a choke hold on so many of us at first, and the many, many unanswered questions.

There seems to be a time that it is all replayed over and over again, like we can somehow make the ending different by reliving it all, by reexamining every little detail. We have a rewind button in our minds, but not in real life, so we contine to come to the same questions with no one to give answers. But in doing so, although we don't know it at the time, we also slowly come to a peace with it by going through this process.

For some, the peace comes in knowing that we will just never know and we have to accept that. For others, pieces will fit together and bring you answers that will suffice.

For one of the rarer periods of my life, I really detest the idea of being idle. Everyday has to be productive in its own way and I'm trying to keep myself preoccupied.

Maybe it is the unconscious way of dealing with the barrage of questions and the fear of sinking into that abyss again. Now that I'm out of it, I don't think I want to be anywhere near that place again because it felt like hell and so, I'm trying...very hard.

In the Sun - Joseph Arthur

wait

For a moment, I feel that I've been swept away by this turbulence.

The seemingly normal but ridiciously contorted world that I originated from. Who has the true rights to decide what is normal and what is not anyway? For all I know, I could be delusional. I'm quite sure I'm in denial.

For the past few days, I've been trying to convince myself. That I have alot of things others don't have and that I should be grateful, which I truly am vis-a-vis many other unfortunate close friends. Scintillating stories which I might convert into words if my mood and time permits. But admist all the transient elation and short outbursts of energy, I feel rather empty.

The root of this hollowness stems from a growing sadness of recent that has gnawed away my soul bit by bit and is now affecting my physique and stamina. And with the fleeting times and my schedule ever wanting, I can't help but feel a little lost. It's a paradox that I feel void and yet, there is this heaviness in the heart. :(

A recent realisation as well...that every single day does bring about its own little teachings about life if you are willing to reflect and ruminate upon them. Most people are too caught up with their hectic routines to bother. If only I could write a book about all these people. People who go by unnoticed in this condescending society but actually lead interesting lives unknown to themselves. They hold onto their own little triumphs with much dignity.

Everyone has their own stories to tell.

Even when their lives are short.

go slower to go faster

Let me quickly take advantage of the interlude and pen down the thoughts between the strokes before i resume my sat business of killing myself.

A matrix moment.

Rush rush rush…driven by the clock. Is anybody else feeling the strain? I'm literally catching my breath right now.

Someone must be - supermarket and road rage didn't emerge on their own.

Perhaps we all feel like that white rabbit in the Wonderland tale. Late…late…late and anyone who gets in our way is a worthy recipient of our frustration and anger? But is faster always better? Do we work within a cultural paradigm that means progress automatically assumes the need for speed - for faster faster faster?

Is anyone smelling roses anymore? (That would be the roses that are grown slowly, in a garden not a greenhouse - so they have a smell.)

Do we stop to look - to think - to appreciate - to consider?

Do we take time to feed the soul, the mind, the heart - as well as the career, the social presence, the bank balance, the expectations that come from……where exactly?

Does anyone remember Sunday as a day of rest ….or pick any day - but one out of seven isn’t asking too much - is it? A day of not being driven by the clock - when we readied ourselves for the week ahead by engaging in social, recreational and fun activities with family and friends? A day of leisurely newspaper reading, of sipping - not gulping the morning coffee, going on a bike ride with no particular destination in mind.

What am I prepared to give up in order to get more from the less? What are the roses I want to smell?

so much to say

I have so much to say, but how to say it is a problem. It all runs through me so quickly and all at once that I’m not sure what to say first and what to not say at all. In a history where all things have been said, what else can you say.

All I know is how I feel. All I know is what I am, and yet sometimes I’m not even sure. Honesty is a dangerous thing. I was told by myself a truth that has been kept from me myself for a long time and now, seemingly, my entire world is coming down around me.

To try and change my ways, I have been watching my every step. And its utter frustration because I’ve tried so hard to change, yet no visible progress has been made.

Normally, if someone had this many problems as me, I’d just tell them to heck it and move on. But I can’t, I can’t say for who I am to take off… because I care. And I care so much that I’m now stuck in what seems to be a lose-lose situation. On one hand, I cut my losses and am still miserable and on the other hand, I stay and face a problem that I can’t find a solution to.

All I know is I need some time to heal. I need time to rebuild myself. And maybe that is the answer, time. Time to normalize and get back to somewhere good. Time to be left alone.

I guess that’s what it always comes down to, choice and chance. We always have to make a choice and the choice is whether to take the chance or not.

And don’t kid yourself, not making a choice is making a choice. And it’s not easy, this is no longer the age of the Hero and the Villain, or the Brave versus the Cowardly. This is an age of grey, where everyone is somewhere in between.

So the only way to play it is by taking that leap of ignorance and hoping you don’t fall that hard.

force of nature

For the past few days, the weather has been wild and changeable. One minute the sun is shining, brightly illuminating my desk, the next the wind is whipping stinging lashes of rain falling from dark, black clouds that appeared swiftly out of nowhere on my window pane.

The weather has reflected my own feelings and moods over the past few days. I am sunny and optimistic one moment, the next spiraling down into the depths of black despair. Someone even asked me one day this week, "What is this weather you've brought?". And so i'm not alone in thinking that i'm the one causing it.

Who is to say that it isn't true? Haven't we all felt human emotions powerful enough to cause atmospheric rifts?

This evening, it is calm and clear - no wind as of yet. There are a few clouds around the fringes of the sky. And that's exactly how i feel.

fishing in the stream of consciousness

I just read an interesting article on new scientific evidence surrounding how our brains make decisions. Apparently our brains actually decide things at least ten seconds before they let us know on a conscious level. Now that's interesting and something that i have suspected all along. But is it just another way of expressing intuition? And what does it mean for free will?

I am interested in issues of intuition and decision-making because at my house, i have a few decisions on my horizon and a few on my plate. They are big ones, ones which affect what i will do and where i will live. It's a luxurious "problem" to have - to have so many choices that you don't really know which one to take. On top of it, it's actually choices between doing one thing i love and another thing i love, between working with people i'd love to work with and working with people i already love working with. As i said, luxury choices.

But in fishing in my stream of consciousness, i wonder exactly how i will come to a decision about this. At the moment, i'm keeping my mind (and my possibilities) as open as possible. But has my mind already decided and it just hasn't let me know as of yet? I guess time will tell.

support

The past week has been pretty significant in some sense. After going through a hazy, sickly and doubts-riddled fortnight, at least I've arrived at some conclusion. The conundrum is momentarily resolved as for now but I'll have to deal with the imminent consequences. Well, at least now the mental torment is not so intense, I get to shift the spotlight to other aspects of my life, particularly people I care about. I got to meet up with a couple of "long-lost" friends and the irony, is that I've been the one long lost.

Well, I guess sometimes I get too caught up in my own problems, it becomes only me myself and I in my own world. Then when I take a step back for a breather, I realize life is not only about yourself, but the people around you. They want to be included in your world and vice versa. It's also during difficult times you get to acknowledge your loved ones and genuine friends you have and see through the colours of those fair weather ones. And I think I'm blessed enough to be surrounded by the former and not have to encounter the hypocrisy of the latter - recently.

It's great to know that besides having to deal with the mundanity and banalities of everyday, especially when you find everything slipping from your fingers, stripped to the bare, there's still intangible aspects such as love, friendship, kinship, compassion to "hold" on to. And you do realize (again) that ultimately it's not the events that make your life happening, it's the people and this post is dedicated to my people out there.

race

I used to run the 1500m and 3000m steeplechase during my school days and the last lap run the track is always the killer. Your lungs are burning, every step is a labour and you’re always afraid of the the guy behind catching up. Meanwhile you can hear the screaming and cheering in the stands but you’re not sure if they are cheering for you or cheering for the guy behind to overtake you. So your heart is pounding at 150 beats a minute and the one thing in the world you’d really like to do is stop right there and then - so tired you can drop any minute.

And this is how it always feels like wherever you reach the last round. It feels exactly the same now. It's the last lap of the race and mentally it feels so draining now. The bounce in the step every morning is nothing but a faint memory now and it gets just a little harder to drag your ass out from bed every morning. I wonder if this feeling ever goes away.

Thankfully, there will be a good break after, a welcomed respite from the daily grind of churning out emails and papers. Not that I am complaining, but I wish there were some mental redbull for the days when you’re practically running on fumes.

The break couldn’t come fast enough.

suckers

One can never have enough of a good thing. We alway want more. And when we can't get what we want, we turn into snivelling ghosts. Like smokers craving for a cigarette. Like junkies craving for another fix.

Even though when we eventually get what we want, it's all good, the craving is never healthy. Losing that control, and letting an external factor decide how you behave can be anything but good. You crave, I crave, we all crave.. question is, do you let it take over? Kudos if you're still in control, pity to you who've lost it. Such suckers we all are.

nonchalance

One of my friends told me recently I'm very nonchalant. In the dictionary, that means "behaving very calmly and seeming not to care and worry about anything." Another told me that i'm dismissive.

Nonchalance has its pros and cons I guess. It's good in the sense like how in the face of problems, you don't fluster and cave in that easily to your emotions. I like that. I think having control over your emotions is very important...so you think with your head rather than feel with your heart, especially for occasions when sensibility is necessary.

I sound like I'm such a person but for people who really know me, they know otherwise. I guess that over the years, I've grown numb. Like once you fight in one too many battles, you get worn and weary.

The vigour, the zest and the innocence of youth - are lost. You don't feel pain when you get stabbed or slashed because you have grown accustomed to it or perhaps, you just don't care anymore. Nonchalance is bad because sometimes it means you are devoid of feelings...lifeless? I wonder if he meant it in this context. Like nothing interests you anymore and it probably take a bomb to re-ignite the flame. Sounds familiar.

Anyway, if it rubs people the wrong way, then perhaps more sensitivity should be injected.

efilsidas

"Life is sad so sadness is something

that shouldn't be avoided or denied"

- Robert Redford

silence

People always like to say, don't keep things bottled inside. Talk it out and you'll feel better, they profess. The amusing thing is that if you don't supply the same amount of information as they do so voluntarily, they think you are shortchanging them and in fact, hiding something. Then they start speculating that you must be hiding shocking conspiracy theories or that you possessed such a kaleidoscopic past, it would have put any famous luminary's to shame.

The issue is, what if there were just no beans to spill? Just dead carcasses, septic and virulent, better left untouched. They are ignorant that somethings are better left unsaid. The monsters once unleashed, wreak havoc and causes irreparable damage. Talking only make matters worse in this case. That's why there is also this saying - that silence is golden.

The true power of company is when you sit in silence with someone doing absolutely nothing and that somehow manages to make you feel better.

crossroads

Crossroads in my life. For some reason, I am compelled to take some action now or risk some regret, which I have no idea what it is, later in life. Perhaps the biological clock has a part to play as I hurtle, rather aimlessly, towards mid-life and its dreaded crisis, which some people allude to.

At this point in my life, I would love to change my job, the way I view the world, and yes, even the way I live my life. But having settled into a cosy routine, with food on table, roof over my head, and worry-less visits to restaurants for meals, there's always the little rational voice in everyone which seeks security, safety and an un-interrupted lifestyle that drowns out any change that threatens the status quo.

Looking at all the uncertainties around me, I am torn between giving up everything familiar and embarking on goals which I deeply feel that will make me a complete person. Would I ever choose the path closest to my heart or once again let the rational head do all the thinking.

The luxury to ponder such issues when one’s stomach is full. Now, that’s my head talking.

the next stage

Things i think in the evening as i wander my way back on a trailing cab. There is a jumble of thoughts in my head.

So many experiences this week. It was a week of return which has changed - both in reality and for me. Things don't stay the same. There is an impermanence in the world. An impermanence to the world. Flowers bloom in a blaze of luscious color, then fade and move to the next stage. and this is as it should be.

I realized this week that i too have moved to the next stage. and it happened in one visit. It happened without my knowing it needed to. There are times in life when we don't really know where we're going until we get there.

Sometimes it takes going back to be able to move on.

the blue bolt

Do you have moments wishing you were more you?

Sans social norms, fears, doubts, and all those evil things that creep up on us through the years. I do.

Nobody important is in, so I can blog in peace. Bliss.

live forever

Maybe I don't really want to know. How your garden grows. I just want to fly. Lately did you ever feel the pain. In the morning rain. As it soaks it to the bone. Maybe I just want to fly. I want to live. I don't want to die. Maybe I just want to breath. Maybe I just don't believe. Maybe you're the same as me. We see things they'll never see. You and I are gonna live forever. Maybe I don't really want to know. How your garden grows. I just want to fly. Lately did you ever feel the pain. In the morning rain. As it soaks it to the bone. Maybe I will never be. All the things that I want to be. But now is not the time to cry. Now's the time to find out why I think you're the same as me. We see things they'll never see. You and I are gonna live forever. We're gonna live forever. Gonna live forever. Live forever. Forever.

reflect

I'm not sure if it’s about the age issue or more of the fear of the unknown, and knowing that the people around you are aging as well. The vulnerability of mortality.

The years have had its share of ups and downs and I can't say that I haven't learnt from life, the suffering, the joy and the kaideloscope of experiences, which have made me the person I am today. In terms of qualifications and achievements, I'm still lagging behind my peers and struggling to fulfill my own expectations. But in terms of personal blessings, I think, look around and I’m quite thankful for what I have.

Still, as much as I have that kind of appreciation for life, there's still something missing/lost which I can't figure out what it is. It’s like even if I were to achieve all the goals that I have overnight, I'm not sure if that would be enough...

either/or

Feel slightly better today, although work is still a bitch.

Still the same old grey feeling, slightly removed from it all, wanting so much to radiate.

the reconstruction of reason

It's harder than I thought. Getting started again.

As I stare at the flickering indicator where words should be spilling out like water and listen to the impatient groan of the ailing driver, thoughts struggle to get out of the immeasurable void. The drilling noise emanating from my notebook shatters the silence.

The years of wear and tear. The toxicity of chemicals. The plunging energy. The ever pursing shadows. The loss of self-assurance. That kind of certainty that grounds you to a firm foundation that can withstand the inevitable tremors.

When pen and paper is met with delight and relief, not twisted nerves, a wrinkled forehead and an incredible vastness of blankness.Whatever loss of inspiration I was experiencing, the abrupt blankout threatened to bring almost everything to a standstill, followed closely by a series of unfortunate events which continue to test my faith. I'm slow in recovery but at least, the issues now are 80% resolved.

Now, the idea is to get started.