nightmare

Something must be bugging my subconscious mind. There has to be a reason for the rather tiring and stressful dream I had last night.

In that nightmare, I was in a perpetual state of rushing for work, which mystifies the me, since I detest my job. I can still recall the vivid sensation of stress and pressure as I rushed madly to iron my office attire, only to see that the shirt is in tatters. Then trying in vain to get on some transport to get me to office.

What is the source of the nightmare? I am not particularly stressed at work. Nor do I have any outstanding personal or official issues that need to be dealt with urgently.

Perhaps it’s my subconsious mind telling me that I am rushing to nowhere as I hit the middle age slump, and that I should really look for a new direction in life – professionally.

But like many Singaporeans, my options are restricted since I'll have a sizeable housing and car loan over my head. I would be more convinced to take action if my subconsious mind penned a resignation letter while I am asleep rather than triggering energy sapping nightmares like that one I had.

Jokes aside, I really feel a mid-life crisis up the next alley. The sense that I am letting my life pass me by is getting stronger. Problem is, I have yet to fully understand what I want with the limited time I have on earth.

Now, it’s my turn to fret.

sunrises, sunsets and a ticking clock

I dreamt, a week ago, of huge waves crashing, swallowing people, buildings and everything in its path. As the waves loom in front of me, threatening to engulf me in a matter of seconds, I tried, in a futile attempt to close the windows, bolt the door, to put as much distance as I could between me and the impending destructive force. But a deep sense of regret hit me first - that I will never have the chance to tell the people that I care about, just how much they mean to me.

Sometimes, I wish I know how much borrowed time I have left. Maybe then I will finally acknowledge what or who matters. A ticking clock gives you the courage to do or say things that you were never able to in the past.

Live the day as if it was your last - is really quite different from - live the day because it is your last. Yes, we can live each day without regrets now (or try to) but admit it, at the back of your mind, the thought – well, there is always tomorrow - sneakily pops out to do a little jig every now and then.

And it’s true that actions matter more than words - perhaps I don’t have to say anything at all. But because what is really felt is way harder to verbalise, because it is much easier to just swallow the words, and because if you really care, you should just say it and seal them with an air of permanence.

But unless there is a way of knowing how many more days of sunrise and sunset I will get to see before the world goes dark completely, the what-could-have-beens and the belly full of words, will likely be buried with me.

believing in george elliot

My life, and my career haven’t exactly gone according to plan. I’m not even sure what that ‘plan’ was ever supposed to be. I do know that where I’m at right now is not a reflection of where I want to be ultimately heading.

I take great comfort in the wise words of George Eliot, who said: You're never too old to be what you might have been.

I need to believe in the truth of these words. I need to trust that they have a chance of applying to me.

I have seen many inspirational quotes written and heard many motivational words spoken, but out of all of those it is these particular words that have stayed with me.

On those days when I need an extra nudge to remind me that anything is possible I simply look down on these words, and I remember.

live high

I try to picture the girl
Through a looking glass
And see her as a carbon atom
See her eyes and stare back at them
See that girl
As her own new world
Though a home is on the surface, she is still a universe

Glory God, oh God is peeking through the blinds
Are we all here standing naked
Taking guesses at the actual date and time
Oh my, justifying reasons why
Is an absolutely insane resolution to live by

Live high
Live mighty
Live righteously
Takin' it easy
Live high
Live mighty
Live righteously

And try to picture the man
To always have an open hand
And see him as a giving tree
See him as matter
Matter fact he's not a beast
No not the devil either
Always a good deed doer
And it's laughter that we're making after all

The call of the wild is still an ordination why
And the order of the primates
All our politics are too late
Oh my, the congregation in my mind
Is this assembly singing of gratitude
Practicing their lovin for you

And singing out
And just take it easy
And celebrate the malleable reality
You see nothing is ever as it seems
Yeah this life is but a dream

float away

A sense of calm and quiet peace hugs me – a feeling I have not had for a very long time.

No random thoughts that fight to catch a breath of air as they struggle against sinking.

No trying to fit answers bearing shapes that I don’t and may never know, to the little square pegs that anchor me to the ground.

Recognising that some things need to float – maybe they won’t land, maybe they will. I watch, with almost a detached sense of mild curiosity.

It’s not just about me – has never been and will always not be.I hope this feeling sticks around for a while.