illusions

1 day after i submited my thesis.

I'm feeling like my life didn't happen at all. Or maybe it did and then somewhere along the way, I vanished and somebody else took over. The disappearings and the manifestations. This whole ridiculously twisted magic show.

How would I feel if I realized that this had all been a dream? I wouldn't call it a nightmare but its definately been a tad too overwhelming. And hence surreal. Would I be splashed with a cold shower of relief? But then it would also mean taking away all the good memories, and it'll mean obliterating any reminscence of all the happiness, gratitude and peace I've ever felt. Honestly, I don't know.

the end

So I'm back in hall after two days of work rushing (Thanks dear). In fact, lying on my turquoise bedsheet covered bed, rubbing my feet and reflecting on recent events has never felt so blissful in a long while.

Speaking of turquoise, the mood has been like a chameleon. One week can span like an entire Nippon colour chart. However, it has been pretty stable because time was only spent thinking about work, doing it and meeting deadlines. It is nothing major. Yet I feel a tiny sense of accomplishment at getting something done and most of all, getting a hold of myself despite last week's events.

That is one good thing about busy. You have no time to think about anything else and even if the mind is compulsive, it is conscious about being responsible and significant. The advantage of being a perfectionist is that when I'm focused, I will make sure the job is done as meticulously as possible. The bad part is, I never feel that it is my best. Surely, I can do much more and with such expectations comes more pressure on its heels.

I just submitted draft 6. The end is near.

running

After a mini prep talk with Paul concerning my current lack of enthusiasm for life. He asked me a simple question:

Have you been jogging?

After of which he told me the whole rhetorical co-relation with jogging and the day after the jog. The blood flowing would be pumping throughout your day he said. This will make you look forward to your day. He also mentioned how jogging solves everything. Though to some it may sound like utter bullshit, but when you’re a runner it makes total sense. To me at least.

I used to have problems i couldnt deal with, i still have problems i cannot deal with, but the difference was, last time i would go for a long hard jog when i couldn’t take it no more. Jogging puts you in a totally different dimension, it brings you to that inner state of mind where nothing else matters except finishing. When you start jogging and you’re a runner, there is only one sole purpose, to finish the run, and in order to do so you disregard the fact whether it’s hot, raining, there’s a dog in your path or if someone is watching you. It’s a state where the small little tiny gritty details ceased to exists. And when you have problems, you tend to focus on the minute detail as opposed to the bigger picture.

While he said that enthusiasm comes with running, thinking about it throughout the night, i couldn't help but agree. In life, our main purpose is to achieve. We look back at achievements done in the past to determine the standard of life we’ve been living. And if we could create mini-achievements that require more than just waking up from bed or sitting infront of the television for 12 straight hours we determine our current state of life fulfilling.

Anyway to cut all the philosophical bullshit about running.

I woke up after a 3 hour sleep to go running.

After a 2 week break from training, i thought it would be impossible to be anywhere where i was before. But 2 weeks is a good respite and i felt the energy flowing to the tributaries again. While running i felt that though my legs were comfortable my heart couldn’t take it… Something is going terribly wrong with my body, even my elbow hurts sometimes. Maybe its the computer repetitive shit…

But anyway, one of the best feelings in the world is to take a shower after a long hard run, walking out feeling totally refreshed!

So?

In the midst of assignments, softwares, responsibilites.

You sit down alone on your desk while listening to The Blues, with the chorus that goes

It’ll be a day like this one
When the world caves in

And you think to yourself… So what now?

Seriously Terminal

Since the year started out on such a grim note, my subsequent entries has also been rather serious and humourless. With the semester winding down, at times it seems like there’s seldom anything light hearted to blog about. Makes me sound like a sour dour old man.

Well I am really not sour nor dour. Maybe a bit on the old side, but what the hell. Life’s too short to really take everything too seriously. Things comes and go, in the end what does it matter, right. Vanities of vanities indeed.

Anyway, I’ve have made it a point to squeeze every last bit of fun and enjoyment out of this before everyone goes their separate ways. Matters not if we ever get to work together again, just have to make the time count and leave the rest to take care of itself. No point feeling sad or sorry, might miss something good happening in the process. In the end I want to leave on a high note. And looking at the time now, it's high indeed.

I hear birds chirping again. Damnit.

i don't see dead people

Today I've learnt that when some people claim to have the third eye or the ability to see spirits, they maybe be sufferers of a disease called the Charles Bonnet’s Syndrome. According to a report in our papers, 4 out of 1077 Singaporeans suffers from this disease. The disease causes the sufferers to see and experience complex visual hallucinations ranging from ghosts to buildings and other objects. So I guess the kid in the Sixth Sense could have been suffering from the Charles Bonnet’s Syndrome.

So all this really leads to a very interesting question- when people claim to have seen ghosts, are they really encounters with the supernatural, an overactive imagination, hallucinations, mental illness or a little known and obscure medical condition? So next time I see so-called dirty things, screw the bomoh, I am seeing a doctor.

And speaking of doctors, have anyone ever realise that they don’t really do much at all? Most of the time, they give you medication that makes you so sleepy you forget how miserable you feel. Other than that, they don’t do jack. In case no one notices, they can’t cure the common cold, they don’t know what causes migraine, they can’t cure baldness without it affecting your libido and they still don’t know what to do with acne. As with most diseases, what they can do is give you stuff to make the disease bearable, but never the complete cure. I am begining to lose faith in western medicine.

aaarrrghh

No baby bonus for single unwed mothers: MCYS

This is crap. Come on Singapore. Surely you can do better than this?

trying to be worldly

What better way to be worldly than to be at the UN general assembly

I’ve decided to be worldly.

How you ask me? Simple, stop reading only channelnewsasia news. I’ve recently subscribed to New York Times and International Herald Tribune. Been reading New York Times for quite some time now. Just subscribed to International Herald Tribune recently. International Herald Tribune as oppose to New York times have different sections in their feeds which i find quite useful, since i get to decide what news i want to hear. Like I don't want to hear anymore American news, but news like dining, travel, asia-pacific, lifestyle, commentary and editorial.

It’s quite actually interesting to see what is deemed news by the different sources of information. Like how i always lament to my fellow tv-watcher about how some silly news actually manage to make their way to the local prime time slot. I feel like i'm robbed something else i need to know. While some sources have more focus on a certain issue, the other has another focus on something else.

Then you also get a different prespective as well, professional journalism at its best huh? You think...

And then you start thinking, if news sources of this calibre can afford to offer news free of charge over the rss feed, how come Straits Times cannot do the same? How to create more readers when other more internationally recognised news sources are offering their services for free. Stupid subscription services will do more harm than good in the long run and seriously, sometimes news on ST is crap. It's like asking youngsters to pay for use of soccer fields when soccer fields should be allowed to be played without any cost.

identity...identity?

A lecture i 'gatecrashed' today was talking about postmodernism and how it's through material goods which we create our identity and/or characteristics. It was a stats class fyi. The lecturer gave examples such as the policeman (played by Tong Leung) in Chung Kung Express that was identified by always eating salad at the takeaway restuarant.

On the bus ride back hall just now, i couldn't help but feel disturbed and pondered on what he said. I was thinking of all the identities around me and realised that it's through our material goods which create ‘who we are’.

Take for example the rocker who wears skinny jeans and white converse sneaker. Or the athlete that wears Adidas compared to Nike because they feel they’re edgier and so on. Or the driver who drives a vintage Mini Cooper. Or the Mac Evangelist who believes that everything Mac is the way to go.

I don't dispute the fact that beneath all these material goods, there exists a fully fledge culture that most people are clearly proud of. Take for example the rocker, its the music. Or the Mac, it's the creative bunch.

The question i pose is “Would it be possible to create an identity without material goods?”

From the looks of it, it’s seems bleak. I always remembered what i used to think when someone told me never to judge a person by their looks. To them my reply is that 'most people live up to their looks.'

If we create our identity through material goods what are the consequences then? It seems almost harmless that through buying the newest MacBook or Nike sneakers creates who we are.

The harm comes in the form of consumerism.

If we create our identity through material goods, we then constantly need to succumb to consumerism in order to furnish our identity. That's like the whole objective of a virtual world i'm observing - Habbohotel. Players keep buying furni (items) to decorate their virtual rooms to create their own themes. Our whole purpose in life then is to attain that big bungalow down at 6th avenue, that Ferrari Modena, the Tag Heuer watch and the platinum credit cards in order to create our identity.

The problem is that most people believe that through material goods, we can create our identity. The reality is far from it.

I think places like Singapore and Hong Kong are probably the worst hit areas as they do not have a solid identity due to their lack of history as nations. It's probably why in recent surveys that Singapore and Hong Kong are the top 2 countries with the most shoppers. Maybe Singaporeans and Hong Kong citizens do not have an identity and hence require to supplement it through material items. If happiness is an indication of whether material goods as an identity is alright, then research has shown that poorer countries tend to have a higher level of happiness compared to those who are economically superior.

While this is all very worrying, its difficult not to live without our cars, stereos, fashion and so on. The challenge that faces us is ‘Are we capable of creating an identity that that is not in tandem with our material goods?’

Think about the olden days where there wasn't globalization, a true identity and culture could flourish even though material goods still created their identity.

Maybe the real question is, ‘Can we stop resist globalisation in creating and preserving our own culture?’

Like what SM LKY finally admitted last semster regarding Singaporean identity. He said that Singapore would have a hard time in creating our own unique identity due to globalisation and technology. However, if he realises that we create our identity through material goods, he could turn us into Cuba and therefore globalization would not occur. Or he could fully support local talents and creatives to be free and march on to a search on identity. Hmm...big talk again.

Anyway jus to sidetrack....300 opens 8th march! I love sin city. Hope 300 would be just as good.

Check out trailer one and two. Check out the graphics...especially the sea.

Tonight we die in hell. Hell yeah.

howl's moving castle

My late nights usually end with me lying on the bed watching snippets of Howl’s Moving Castle in the darkness of my room. After Spirited Away, I have to admit, expectations was somewhat raised. Unfortunately, I came out of the movie rather disappointed. The story was disjointed and the ending seems forced and rushed. Since, I have never read the original story, I’m not sure if it came from the author or Miyazaki himself. I guess even geniuses will lay an egg every once in awhile.

Then again, I should consider finishing the show in a shot.

Some ppl asked why i haven't blogged in ages. Harlow...it's been only 5 days.