Future of Online Advertising is Ever Evolving

Talked to Jaime and Bryan yesterday about a bunch of things during our tea session over our kaninabe (not the foul word – its paper steamboat). Yes, social psyche exam just ended but it was still an interesting conversation. We sat, tok and came up with wad I tink is a unique but very smart approach to leveraging open source to create a service business.

At the end of our conversation, Bryan started making an analogy between television networks and online ad networks….we din get far with the conversation…But, the way he phrased tied some things in my head together. Here it is short and sweet:

The news and entertainment industry used to be the tie that bound advertisers to consumers - The newspapers did two things: write good and trusted content and sold ads while the entertainment industry (tv + radio) did two things: created good entertainment and sold ads.

In retrospect…boil it down ever further and all of these businesses do two things: deliver value to advertisers and delivered what consumers want.

The internet of cos does not require that those two things exist in one house. There are clever companies all over the net that are figuring out millions of ways to entertain and inform and enable interaction between people (that are also consumers).

And there are thousands of companies that are trying to deliver value to (I wun call them advertisers) businesses in exchange for money…I rmbed and mentioned a theory that there will be online ad networks like google's adsense, yahoo's business/ad services, c|net networks, job sites etc, etc. that advertisers will turn to.

What I like about the net, though, is that as soon as one company figures out how to add more value to an advertiser or entertain or inform the consumer better, the power shifts. That's democracy and capitalism working fluidly…hmm..that’s pretty cool actually. Dun u tink so, communication and new media majors?

To dissent or not to dissent? I dare not question.

I remember when I was in primary school, and petty quarrels with friends will inevitably include the phrase…“I don’t friend u anymore, my father madah, I get him to catch you!” which would result in my friend saying, “my father is an 5 star general, bigger than your father! hmph…” It didn’t matter that neither of our dads were in the armed forces or the police force, we’d always say that to each other…It would seem that from the tender age of six, Singaporeans learn that authority is something to fear and dread, and as and when we can instil fear in others by referring to authority figures, we will….haha memories.

Singaporeans are a pretty obedient bunch of people…of course u still have ur subversive elements, but at the end of the day, how many of these “champions” hold out to the end? Come polling day, and the elections results would be televised, and the ruling party would win by an obscene margin each time…I couldn’t comprehend at that age, why the ruling party would come out victorious each time in all constituencies. It just didn’t make sense then. My seven year old logic couldn’t comprehend how they could be win by such a margin if the week before I saw so many people cheering on the opposition on the pastures of the neighbourhood. People who I thought disagreed with the ruling party.

Then I grew older and realised that whinging about the leaders of our country doesn’t mean that we don’t want them to lead us. My personal opinion is that we’re a bunch of whingers. We (including me) just whinge, gripe about how crap and stifled we are but we dun do anything. If we do take any action, it is to migrate. We just leave the country.

But then, I can’t really blame Singaporeans for being so passive. After decades of witnessing “dissidents” being put away, and opposition party politicians (who cross the line… I guess) being sued and declared bankrupt, I doubt anyone has the temerity to pit themselves against the government. Back during the days of my tertiary education, there was tis respectable looking man in a suit approaching students in the hawker centre spreading his opposition values and freaking out all the students. Yet wen one see him walk away aimlessly, u can’t help but wonder the many ‘wrong’ paths that he trod on and the things that has led him to lead his life now. And of cos the rumours that float ard school abt the failed endeavours of some of the lecturers. Have they ceded to the so called draconian rule of the government? Or the remnants of their political struggle still remain embedded in some of their supposedly politically charged lessons?

It’s subjective isn’t it? but yet money talks. Sue here, sue there, it really reminds my primary school playground arguments.

I wun leave Singapore, at least I dun tink I wan to right now at this moment in time. I guess because my priorities in life are in line with the Singapore Ideal….I dun crave freedom of speech, neither do I care for chewing gum (being facetious). I dun wan to have an opinion about anything that is remotely controversial. I force myself to be detached to issues that would once get me fired up. I think its seeping into my everyday life too. I realise I don’t have strong opinions about anything. I’ve been told my comments made in class are very diplomatic, toe the line, sit on fence style. Even as I blog, I feel uncomfortable putting forth my opinions. (yes the recent PSC saga prolly had a lot of bloggers going nuts abt the privacy of their online diaries…again…blogs – private or public domain?)… The irony is that the government is trying to instil creativity and innovation. Is it going to be possible with such an environment?

What is this phenomena? Is it just me? or something peculiar to Singaporeans?

Wadeva it is...Singapore boleh too!!! (paiseh aaron copy u...haha)

Hmm… I have a paper to mug for and I’m refusing to start on it. Yay. Here I am finding ways and means to procrastinate. Bored…. Everyone is probably having fun. I refuse to believe that there is anyone else (except the remaining loungers) out there not having fun on a nite of a public holiday.

How to motivate myself? I’ve switched on all the lights so I wun have nice ambient lighting to lull me to sleep, but I’m still so damn fleepy (fleepy is a fusion between…. a word that starts with “F” and “sleepy”)

I just changed my music from soul to punk rock… If it doesn’t wake me up I dun know what will.

What’s there to do? Yes. I did self impose this room arrest to finish my readings, but I feel so sloth-like… the books are one foot away from me, and I refuse to even look at them. I just downloaded Team America after kg that smart ass screened the 1^st half and leave us watering for the part 2 which he din haf.

Should I or should I not. Help.

Directions

Friend…
Dun get swallowed into the rat race…
Dun get thrown in the face…
Grades are important
But they not everything…
What’s a first-class-honours…
When you dun get an education?
Friend…
Get an education…
Not just a degree.

"i guess if things were a little different, we might have ended up together. but well, they are the way they are, with you the way you are, and i the way i am. so we're not."

These words flash thru my mind since I just saw them. It sang of truth and it echoed my unspoken thoughts...In one of the classic curtains-were-lifted moments, the truth was unveiled to me. U would tink that it would then be easy to proceed from there, but you're wrong. It was just so simple, sure, but they couldn't be more complicated at the same time. And like any weepy soap opera, we created even more complications of our own that just made things worse.

And so, we stand on the verge of that something really great...what happens here is as uncertain as where the wind blows. Time changes all things and no one can be sure of the future...not even a freaking astro-palmist...(i can only tink of him qing ning)...Had our soap opera panned out as we hoped (or did we? or is it just me), then perhaps there could have been a happy ending. If not, then.......that's really too bad then.

There's other things to do in life that we often overlook, isn't it?

True, Actual and Possible selves

I met a ger of recent. Lets just name her xh…we started lamenting abt our lives and I suddenly found that we had been in strikingly similar situations. I came from the guy’s perspective but her part to play makes the majority of the puzzle fit. The irony is that the both our puzzles have a missing piece. And the missing piece happens to be our seed of doubt. At least i'm better off...not hanging anymore.

I’m fine for those who are worried. I was reading my psyche notes today wen I came across the terms true self, actual self and possible self.

True self is a form of private persona where our core selves are unencumbered by shyness, social anxiety or physical states…where one is relaxed and in touch with his own natural self.

Actual self can be perceived as a public persona…the self that we present to others in our everyday interaction…where we abide to certain societal norms and standards.

Possible self is the notion of an ideal/least ideal self…where they’re personas one aspires to be or fear of becoming.

So what are we? Who are we? Is actual self our true self? Or is true self…our actual? Is there a true or actual self anyway? bleargh.....

the difference

Slow dancing on the boulevard
In the quiet moments while the city’s still dark
Sleepwalking through the summer rain and the tired spaces
You could hear her name when she was warm and tender
And you held her arms around you
There was nothing but her love and affection
She was crazy for you
Now she's part of something that you lost

Night swimming in her diamond dress
Making small circles move across the surface
Stand watching from the steady shore
Feeling wide open and waiting for
Something warm and tender
Now she's moving further from you
There was nothing that could make it easy on you
Every step you take reminds you that she's walking wrong

Yeah, for all you know
This could be
The difference between what you need
And what you want

Every word you never said
Echoes down your empty hallway
And everything that was your world
Just came down

Day breaking on the boulevard
Feel the sun warming up your second hand heart
Light swimming right across your face
And you think maybe someday, yeah
Maybe someday

Yeah, for all you know
For all you know
Yeah, for all that you know
This is what you wanna be
Girl, what you wanna be

the difference matchbox twenty

A nite of reminiscences

Seeing as how its rare i watch tv, tonite was a reason to buy 4D. I actually caught some action on primetime television.

For some strange reason, each actress I saw on tv reminded me of someone or other, and then I spent some minutes thereafter tinking back on certain moments with them (afterall, we live for the moments don't we? Rightly, we should be able to recall them)… each person who came to mind had a particular significance, and there was always a start but not always an end-point.

As we progress thru life, we're allowed the chance to take stock of the situation, and correct the path if necessary…so now, I've come this far, many things are still out of my hands, I realise. I can only try to manipulate the situation so much. As the hymn goes: leave it in the hands of ...?

Actually, I'm just exploding to say something having had too much time to take stock of current standings…there's gotta be something wrong when there's just so much to say but no one to say it to except to a digital receptacle.

johari's window

Stupid roach post.

Let's talk abt worldviews today. How one sees the world is a reflection of one's own worldview. If u live in ur own happy world, u will see the world as a happy place. The same way if ppl to u are just pawns to further ur cause, u will think everyone is doing the same to u, and be overly-cautious. This post was inspired by a class I did in HRM some years ago with Dennis.

Sometimes I wonder whether there is a need to change ppl…I noe a certain fruit who is a romantic and lives in a world of her own. I used to take apart her little fantasies, and show her the realistic version (of my version) of things. Some time ago, she told me that she didn't want to noe anymore, and that I should leave her to her own imaginings, cos she's much happier that way, and I did. To some extent I've stopped doing that. And to this day, she still carries on abt her dream boy, her incredible ideas, and things that I may or may not believe.

On this topic, I think one gets a pretty good insight into a person by the monikers they give themselves. We all use MSN, we all noe that MSN nicks are customisable. Some ppl go really far…they decorate their names with icons and strange fonts that create simply wonderful patterns, while others use the cute emoticons that MSN offers and its enuff for us to take a second look. Names are important, but the way the name is used also subtly tells us what they're seeking, in putting that name up.

Say for instance, "efilsidas…strawberry fields forever" is currently my nick on MSN. What does that tell you? 1) I've been using the moniker efilsidas for ages (I dun really care abt the implications and ppl can keep guessing for all I care), and its an identifier; 2) I just love codifying my feelings – its open to all sorts of interpretations but being the usual cryptic me, only I myself will noe what it stands for. Yes sometimes, I hate myself for being so irritatingly private. I wish I can do something abt that.

Now if I were to change my nick to "efilsidas…champion crap eater - count my blue ribbons", I'm prolly trying to tell u that I won alot of prizes from eating crap…and subtly, am most likely trying to brag or get some lavish praise from ppl talking to me over the internet. Right? U get the idea…So yar…your nick too, tells alot about your worldview and personality, dun u think?

So…to u who've come this far in reading this post - how do YOU view the world? What signs have u been showing abt your character without realising it? Or worse, have u been tainted by another person's worldview without realising it? Are u living in a shell? And do u want to get out or stay?

Sigh, y does my mind operate liddat. To hell with myself.

i just killed a cockroach
i watched it crawl all along the toilet bowl
and when I got sick of it cos i wanted to bathe,
i wanted to step on it but thought ......
i took out the baygon and gave it a quick spray
I watched and waited for the poison to take effect

before I sprayed it, i saw it cleaning its feelers slowly
almost meticulously
and i observed the way it felt its way around
touching pausing, quick steps and stopping again

it took a while to die
I'd stepped back after administering the poison
the roach ran at first spray.. then it came back
then scrambled to the middle of the ledge

i realised it just dropped a lump of gooey stuff
that was panic
shitting in its pants
1st time seeing a roach crap

then it got disoriented and ran thru its own shit
smearing it
it prolly din even noe
din even care
it prolly knew it was dying
his thousand relatives couldn't help him now

it ran to the head of the bowl and stopped
where it dropped off a little bit more faeces
here it panicked again
and ran about in circles
and just abt flipped over

it finally collapsed into the hole
so there it was, sitting with its belly pointing at me
I watched as it twitched its last twitch
as it finally drew its last breathe
and felt its last surface

I pulled the handle

i looked at the mess its dying left
and regretted killing it immediately

Death is a messy business

I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

I know I would apologize if I could see your eyes
’cause when you showed me myself I became someone else
But I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You can’t keep awake

’cause if I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
If I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
You

I don’t know anymore
What it’s for
I’m not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand
’cause I been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
Maybe you’re not even sure what it’s for
Any more than me

Joseph Arthur's In the Sun

There's nothing wrong with me, I'm OK
It's only because recently been kind of grey that I feel down
I know what I'm aiming for
Don't think so much about everything and let the day take over
It ain't that hard to do

It's a beautiful day outside
But you don't know how to fly

There's nothing wrong with you, you're OK
It's only because things don't always go your way that you feel down

Hey what you waiting for ?
Don't think so much about everything and let the day take over
It ain't that hard to do

It's a beautiful day outside
But you don't know how to fly
It's a beautiful day

It's a beautiful day. Lighthouse Family.

oh yes...fever...great...

5 days left to my trial. Funny that im not counting down to my 1st paper.

One can never have enuff of a good thing. we alway want more...and when we can't get what we want, we turn into snivelling ghosts...like smokers craving for a ciggie...like junkies craving for another fix.

Even tho when we eventually get what we want, its all good, the craving is never healthy. Losing that control, and letting an outside factor decide how you behave can be anything but good.

You crave, I crave, we all crave.. question is, do you let it take over? kudos if you're still in control, pity to you who've lost it. Such suckers we are.

yes...5am in the morning and i found myself picking up a piece of rag to start caressing bokor. Wiped the dust, changed the flats, dismantled the forks, greased the chains and pumped new life to the poor soul who had not seen light for quite a while.

Grease and blood. A missed concoction(u can choose to read it both ways)...now its standing right beside me, nodding with its gleaming crowned face and raring to for a spin in the wind.

Nothing can explain my affinity with bokor and dale. Dale is still strung up at home, waiting for a glimpse frm me. I better go rescue him one day before...wait a min...he's due for the yearly maintenance check at frankel ave...my poor baby.

efilsidas, efilsidas...u and ur academic pursuits.

bokor means so much to me. His existence is my endeavour. I built him frm scratch. The aging superfly bombers, the mavic rims, the nipples, the spokes, the shimano pedals, the maxxis rollers, the XTs, cranks, monkeybar and so on...u get a fierce black and red hardtail.

nuff rambling abt my obsessions. To those out there who understand my passion, i promise to make more time for u guys...been a long time. :)

sat WILL BE a productive day...
sat WILL BE a productive day...
sat WILL BE a productive day...
sat WILL BE a productive day...
sat WILL BE a productive day...
sat WILL BE a productive day...
sat WILL BE a productive day...

nat called me 5am in the morning ranting abt her insomnia...then we started reminiscing abt how we've led our lives for the past few yrs....hmm..married life is no joke...haha

Then i started to tink abt how this amazing ger of age 22 have led a life so much more happening than me...im 23, and i have hopefully 2 more yrs of academic struggle before i step out into the real world...*yawn*

Was toking to warren the other day abt the planning process some guys put themselves through and how we manage to scare the other half away...in a way, i guess both of us just feel more responsible to provide for the future...it feels good tt im not the only one who experienced it..makes me feel a bit more normal.

I want to share some of the news below...but i find it difficult to categorise them into the good or the bad. U decide for urselves....or rather for me.

I managed to snag the internship so tt's it...one holiday season gone...im looking forward to meeting new colleagues and everything but just not tt keen abt having a rigid schedule to adhere to...sigh...i do wan to travel tho so i sort of negotiated a break in b/w...bangkok or taiwan..anyone? Japan is another option. Lemme noe...prolly do it in july wen all the kids r back in their skools and holidaying ain't as pricey...

I also had a pleasant surprise wen i got this mail from TAS.

"Triathlon of Singapore is organising a SEA Games trial on Sun 24 Apr 2005, 6am at East Coast Lagoon Hawker centre. SEA games is scheduled for 27 Nov - 4 Dec 2005 in Philippines. You have been selected to take part in the trial. Please note that both dates coincide with your exams. National representation will be selected there and then and training will commence soon. Please make arrangements with your faculty to reschedule your exams."

Now...the not so pleasant thing abt this is tt i haf not trained for ages. Like Case always likes to put it...wad goes pass ur lips gets onto ur hips... I haven't exactly grown fat or anything but i do tell ppl tt u just can't judge whether a person is fat or not by his/her appearance. Mb i haf a warped sense of wad constructs obesity...the pt is i nid some trainings to burn off the 10 over chicken naans tt ive consumed for the past fortnight...and the trial is a day before my 1st paper...how wonderful..:)

Just done with my 3204 presentation yesterday...the tuffest, most time consuming yet the most enjoyable assignment to date...to any of the 4 ppl who mite chance on tis...thanks for the experience and lets pray for tt A...

a beautiful stain on my life

The little fish who left an indelible mark is dead...

The bowl is empty...waiting for other fishes to come its way. But i'm distraught. Disappointed at the situation but with a streak of knowledge that new things can only happen with the vacuum left behind. It was a unfulfilled dream...something i thot was shared...it wasn't.

Then i was pissed with myself...if i could harden thy heart with other previous fishes, why did i allow myself to be stripped naked and laid out to sun? Why? It was a mistake but it never seemed like one at the beginning. There were pangs of longing...there was happy interaction...god...heaven likes to make fun of me i swear...

Sometimes ppl say im cold...i tell u it is the best form of protection. It blocks hurt, it prevents pain, it stops the tears from streaming...superficial me.

The path is uncertain once more. For the things ive sacrificed with all due to respect for the future...its time to chart things on the right course again. Change...is alway good, no matter how ppl tend to see the other side of it when they stuck in a trench (for my case, i dug it myself...smart ass), but i guess i could deal with it better if it was less painful...and if it stops emphasizing the fact tt im hopeless with the same situation...makes me think tt ive learnt nuts for the past few yrs...

The fish made me happy, made me crazily happy but it stopped swimming ard in circles. It has truly been an unforgettable experience...photos are the only memorabilia...never haf we taken so many...I do not want to start tinking whether i wished it happened or not....

But it did leave a beautiful stain in my uneventful life............as always.

I cannot believe how pissed I am...silent on the exterior...but blardy boiling rage neath the surface... all cos of some work... work work!...the last-minute worker in me finally kicked in and lo-and-behold..technology has failed me... and I'm stuck where I was a few days ago... with nothing to show for but a list of sprites and cast members who just prance around on my computer and tt's it...they dun wanna perform anywhere else...so they arranged to have a conflict with the director and his publisher, and tadah... produce a son called ERROR...

tmd...it has better be resolved by today...or im so screwed.

life is fragile as it is short

I heard a song today tt i last heard sung at a fren's funeral...and it brought back so many feelings...we make plans...we know we'll do stuff in future; some things we noe we wun get done now...but we assume we'll carry out later on...but even tho we look to the future as something that will happen, we forget tt the future is fragile and it is held by a very thin line.

All our plans...all we plan to do...all we look fwd to; all the things we wanted to say - a simple decision or misjudgement can cause an end just like tt....and the many many things we wanted to do - will never be done.

Those of you reading this - I want to state here and now, that I've never regretted having any of your frenships...u've made me what I am and I thank God for you. I hope I have been as much a fren to u as I very much would have loved to be a better one.

Walking After You - Foo Fighters

Tonight I'm tangled in my blanket of clouds
Dreaming aloud
Things just won't do without you, matter of fact
I'm on your back, I'm on your back, I'm on your back

If you walk out on me, I'm walking after you
If you walk out on me, I'm walking after you

If you'd accept surrender, I'll give up some more
Weren't you adored
I cannot be without you, matter of fact
I'm on your back, I'm on your back, I'm on your back

If you walk out on me, I'm walking after you
If you walk out on me, I'm walking after you

Another heart is cracked in two, I'm on your back

Is friendship transient?

Is it merely a comfortable arrangement b/w ppl tt can simply be thrown away when its use value expires, simply substituted if the outcome was undesirable? Afterall…u can meet ppl so easily…but how much value would u place in those relationships?

If it’s something that u just did cos circumstance demanded it, then sure, its easy to let go…but if its something that you worked hard at…and got something out of it that u'll easily recall when u've time for recollection…then maybe…just maybe..it’s not just a run of the mill “acquaintanceship” If you let it go now…will you look back next time and lament at a loss?...or would you just murmur a ‘good riddance’ and try to erase the memory?

Making fwens and losing fwens.

While some things just come as naturally as breathing, other things just get stuck to your mind and it’s so hard to rip it out.

I'm just glad that in this short ‘ordeal’ that ive put myself thru…I had so many fwens who shone thru and told me that they were there for me…or expressed that I meant something to them…whether it was in words…in writing or in action. Thank you for this. I will *smile* my new smile for you.....i’ll try lar….......i notice im still trying to sound convincing….okok.....i’ll try harder…

The Perfect

In a world where everyone noes ur name, can say 'how are u' and listen to ur reply.
Where the people who matter to u always have time for you.
A place where everything u do helps someone and gets fully appreciated.
Where no one annoys u, and everyone adores u.
Where u'll never have to fret about ur fears, jealousies or insecurities; they become mere afterthoughts.
Everyone u look at looks back at u with a smile, and u can see the sparkle in their eyes, not a lack of expression.
Where u are never alone, and only so when u want to be.
Where u can do what pleases u most, and get help with it when needed.
Where u can take a break whenever u want, without having to worry abt priorities.
Where time is a control panel in ur hands.

Actually, there IS heaven on earth...there's gotta be a way to get around to doing what you want to...just gotta take a step back and see what's holding you back. Sometimes u'll see tt it very well could be u holding urself back...somehow...u just feel so stupid after realising it.

Joseph Arthur - Honey And The Moon

Don't know why I'm still afraid
If you weren't real I would make you up
now
I wish that I could follow through
I know that your love is true
And deep
As the sea

But right now
Everything you want is wrong,
And right now
All your dreams are waking up,
And right now
I wish I could follow you
To the shores
Of freedom,
Where no one lives.

Remember when we first met
And everything was still a bet
In love's game
You would call; I'd call you back
And then I'd leave
A message
On your answering machine

But right now
Everything is turning blue,
And right now
The sun is trying to kill the moon,
And right now
I wish I could follow you
To the shores
Of freedom,
Where no one lives

Freedom
Run away tonight
Freedom, freedom
Run away
Run away tonight

We're made out of blood and rust
Looking for someone to trust
Without
A fight
I think that you came too soon
You're the honey and the moon
That lights
Up my night

But right now
Everything you want is wrong,
And right now
All your dreams are waking up,
And right now
I wish that I could follow you
To the shores
Of freedom
Where no one lives

The disappointment speech

Can I say I'm disappointed?

I'm disappointed in that the ideals we hold and are brought up to believe in do not really hold water among the very same ppl who taught it to us....

I'm disappointed cos when we try to help, our help gets thrown back in our faces...

I'm disappointed cos we can only do so much, and the rest is up to another mind to decide on....

I'm disappointed cos there's so much out there, but not all of it is for us....

I'm disappointed cos there is no such thing as Happy Ever After...

I'm disappointed cos the truth really is out there, and its not as simple as you think...

I'm disappointed cos we can never see the good in front of us, and only the bad in others...

I'm disappointed cos even if you work hard at something or go so far as to make a huge change, sometimes u just can't be as good as --- .....

I'm disappointed cos there may very well not be a heaven waiting for us...

Can u tell i'm disappointed?

The way I look at things is such, when there's a problem, I like to face it straight on, and hopefully, try to settle it...I dun like problems to drag on...Even if talking abt it won't solve it, at least I could get a different opinion which will at least shed more light on something tt I'm at a standstill with.

Everytime I look at my phone or log on, I see a name I so very much want to say something to...but I hold myself back...Distance really is the best solution. until I can look into her open inviting eyes without wanting to put my arms around her, its best tt things remain the way they are..

It seems like I've lost a fren...a good fren at tt...pangs of longing are returning to haunt me now. my defenses have long been letdown - tt IS the problem between us...contradicts the 1st sentence don't it? i muz be a liar too.

At times, i sit down and bog myself down with all the stuff that i have so conveniently chucked aside...time to settle them, prioritise again and look forward...but the things tt i busy myself with...still tend to let me down...i'm never gona do the race of my life...not at the best of health... And the best thing is to receive news early tis morning tt Shirley has left peacefully...im not exactly depressed..just astounded at how bad things can package themselves in such a fashion and hit me...

I can only hide in my room and bury myself with books...at least for the time being...till things start to change for the better bcos they will...i should knoe better...everything's just a phase. I've been thru worse. I just hope the day will come sooner...wen my smiles will no longer be empty and somethings do actually matter in my life.

Outward manifestation of an inward regression

Is there a selfish reason behind doing everything? Are we inevitably all about 'me'? Are there actually inherently good people with the purest of intention? Or is that something that we're led to believe?

Take your actions today, look at what you did. There is the outright/overt intention, then there is the underlying intention, and there is the hidden agenda. Do we really have 'pure intentions'?

I tink perhaps we're all abt satisfying our own desires. We do things becos we wan to, we give in to ppl cos we have to (cos going against it would be going against our interests).

Help - is it really a singular one-way effort to assist?

Offer - do we really offer something and not expect anything in return?

Love - unrequited? Love without expectation? so far, i heard only 1 being was able to accomplish tt...i iwsh i could do it...:(

Sigh, sometimes, we just have totally negative views of the world...

Life is difficult.

This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult...once we truly understand and accept it...then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.

- M. Scott Peck

Just about to embark on a tasteful journey with my 1st laksa in nearly 4 mths...laksa yong tau foo frm arts

and im not gona be feeling guilty abt it....

The ghosts of the past seem to be resurfacing.

Once upon a time I tot they've been laid to rest - but tonite I realised that they've never actually left...they just took on a different guise.

How can one be assured of himself if he's always making comparisons?...satisfaction will never be attained....insecurities will alwalys remain, and one can never be happy...When I was young, my mom would never fail to bring up references to so-and-so's kid who was doing so well, scoring disgustinly high, getting watever achievements.. all my life I was being compared to another whom I may not even noe.

In Singapore, I believe I'm not the only one like this. I daren't say its a Singaporean thing - stemming from our 'kiasu' nature.. but well.. it very well may be so...We're always having performance indicators - to find out the top 10 schools, best eating places, top 10 businesses, no.1 broadcast channel, etc etc.. even in sch, we were given a ranking of where we stood in our entire cohort...Luckily, I was always pretty ok, not fantastically good but I bet it would have been quite depressing for the kid who was last in the entire cohort in ANY school...btw just to digress..i wonder how the 40-over students at tkss who supposedly failed their English paper are handling the situation.

In any case, this very nature that is so within us could very well be responsible for disappointment and anxiety that exists in our world...Kudos to the man who can look at something thru the eyes of a child...

Sigh. All that aside...i was sitting on the A2 bus this morning thinking about the existence of a split personality within everyone.

Caught between childlikeness and being grown-up...where are we actually?

Certain situations demand that we behave in a way that may be more like what we really are, and others demand that we be something different...

In life, we face many situations where we make subconscious choices as to how we should be...we gauge our surroundings and let it dictate what we do. Acting like a kid, a throwback to our childish days would let those witnessing it to lower their guard, this shows a more private side of us...allowing the ones privy to this to get closer on the relationship scale.

Yet there are those times when u need to get the confidence of ppl...acting kiddish will just bury u; maturity and discipline are aspects of adulthood which we choose to show more of then....allowing them to trust u to handle it.

What affects our choices in this decision? as mentioned, it is subconscious, most of the time...but those who have mastery over controlling others' emotions can make conscious decisions to influence how others perceive us...Insidious? its being deemed having "ppl-skills"..

Sigh....when we're young, we all wanna be grown up; when we're getting old, we all wish to be younger....that plus the manipulation of behaviour to control attitudes towards u, what we have is a nice little shit paradox...

well done me.

I was glad for rain this afternoon, on my way for lecture..aeons...been waiting for a proper storm for aeons. I watched as the rain came down. I saw cars create waves tht cascaded impotently on the roadside. The cold from the air-con in the lt made me cringe a little, and then memories came flooding back in..,

Its a beautiful experience, taking a walk in the rain, having it come down on your face, feeling it bounce off your skin, letting it soak through your clothes...Once you get adjusted to the cold and wet, you start to feel little rivulets run down your back, down your calves...they reflect the chill running up your spine.

Once you're soaked to the skin, it's easy to walk through puddles, and better still, jump into them...splashing about in the rain. Back when we were young.

The best part is yet to come: when you arrive, and take off all the soaked material, and let yourself be engulfed by a warm body...The contrasting heat just soothes, allowing for easy snuggling, electric caresses on marble skin, heightened sensitivity...it's an indulgent affair, one that rivals any expensive spa treatment you may find in the papers. Absolutely climactic...or do i make it sound too good...

Our choir had our performance at lt 13...amplitude..not much to say bout that.

Recently alot of things happened in my life...Things that prompt me to sit up and ask myself alot of questions. Questions that used to haunt me awhile back seem to want to complete thought processes by resurfacing themselves in my life again. And i can't seem to find answers...

BUT like some will put it....is there even a nid for answers? Escapism everything seems to be right now...but in retrospect, eschewal might not necessarily be unhealthy...i hope one day i'll be truly happy.

sigh...efilsidas has gotta get out of the doldrums.

Its funny how sometimes no matter how much u want to, u just can't seem to hold a decent conversation with some ppl. It may not be just some certain ppl, or it may, but the thing is - there are actually ppl out there that u CANNOT talk to, no matter wat u try...maybe once or twice u hit a subject tt both of u perk up at... but then, an awkward silence sometimes sets in after tt...

I guess it could happen when u just met someone for the very first time. especially when u dun "hit it off"...lucky the socialites who are comfortable being in the limelight, and are full of interesting anecdotes and stories...but dun they end up with too many frens to keep up with, making them seem rather superficial? I dunno.. maybe I just can't manage time well.

fond memories

Interesting....

For those who born in the 80s and 90s. Fond memories......

1. You grew up watching He-man, MASK, Transformers, Silver Hawk and Mickey Mouse. Not to forget, Ninja turtles, My Little Pony and Smurfs too.

2. You grew up brushing your teeth with a mug in Primary school during recess time. You will squat by a drain with all your classmates beside you, and brush your teeth with a coloured mug.The teachers said you must brush each side 10 times too.

3. You know what SBC stands for.

4. You pay 40 cents for Chocolate or Strawberry MILK every week in class.

5. You watch a very popular Malay dubbed Japanese drama on RTM1 about schoolgirls who possess powerful skills in volleyball called Meoro Attack.

6. You find your friends with pagers and handphone cool in Secondary school.

7. SBS buses used to be non-airconditioned. The bus seats are made of wood and the cushion is red. The big red bell gives a loud BEEP! when pressed. There are colourful tickets forTIBS buses.The conductor will check for tickets by using a machine which punches a hole in the ticket.

8. Envelopes given to us to donate to Sharity Elephant every Children's Day.

9. You've probably read Young Generation magazine.You know who's Vinny the little vampire and Acai the constable.

10. You were there when they first introduced MRT here. You went for the first ride with your parents and you would kneel on the seat to see the scenery.

11. Movie tickets used to cost only $3.50.

12. Gals are fascinated by Strawberry Short Cake and Barbie Dolls.

13. You learn to laugh like The Count in Sesame Street.

14. You longed to buy tibits called Kaka (20 cents per pack), and Ding Dang (50 cents per box), that had a toy in it and it changes every week not forgetting the 15 cents animal crackers and the ring pop, where the lollipop is the diamond on the ring.

15. You watched TV2 (also known as Channel 10) cartoons because Channel 5 never had enough cartoons for you.

16. Hardy Boys, Nancy Drew, The Three Investigators, Famous Five and Secret Seven are probably the thickest story books you ever thought you have read. Even Sweet Valley High and Malory Towers.

17. KFC used to be a high class restaurant that serve food in plates and let you use metal forks and knives.

18. The most vulgar thing you said was asshole and idiot and THE MOST EXTREME WAS 'super white'...you just couldn't bring yourself to say the hokkien relative.

19. Catching was the IN thing and twist as the magic word.

20. Your English workbooks was made of some damn poor quality paper that was smooth and yellow.

21. CDIS were your bestfriend.

22. The only computer lessons in school involved funny pixellised characters in 16 colours walking about trying to teach you maths.

23. Waterbottles were slinged around your neck and a must everywhere you go.

24. Boys loved to play soccer with small plastic balls in the basketball court.

25. Teng-teng, five stones, chapteh, hentam bola and zero point were all the rage with the girls and boys too...

26. Science was fun with the balsam and the angsana being the most important plants of our lives, guppies and swordtail being the most important fish.

27. Who can forget Ahmad, Bala, Sumei and John, eternalized in our minds from the textbooks. Even Mr Wally & Mr. Yakki. What abt Miss Lala??? And Zaki and Tini in Malay Textbooks?

28. We carry out experiments of our own to get ourself badges for being a Young Zoologist/Botanist etc.

29. Every Children's day and National day you either get pins or pens with 'Happy Children's Day 1993' or dumb files with 'Happy National Day 1994'.

30. In Primary six you had to play buddy for the younger kids like big sister and brother.

31. We wear BM2000, BATA, or Pallas shoes.

32. Your form teacher taught you Maths, Science and English.

33. The worksheets were made of brown rough paper of poor quality.

34. You went to school in slippers and a raincoat when it rained, and you find a dry spot in the school to sit down, dry your feet, and wear your dry and warm socks and shoes.

35. School dismissal time was normally around 1 pm.

36. There would be spelling tests and mental sums to do almost everyday.

37. Your friends considered you lucky and rich if your parents gave you $3 or more for pocket money everyday.

38. You see Wee Kim Wee's face in the school hall.

39. You freak out when the teacher tells you to line up according to height and hold hands with the corresponding boy or girl.

40. Boys like to catch fighting spiders.

41. Collecting and battling erasers was a pastime for boys.

42. Autograph books were loaded with "Best Wishes", "Forget Me Not", and small poems like "Bird fly high, hard to catch.Friend like you, hard to forget".

43. Class monitors and prefects loved to say "You talk somemore, I write your name ah!"

44. There were at least 40 people in one class.

45. Large, colourful schoolbags were carried.

46. You brought every single book to school, even though there was one thing called the timetable.

47. When walking as a class always "Finger on your Lips"

48. Whenever there Spelling or "Mo Xie" we always try our best to copy.

Courtesy of my sister. So true. I miss those carefree Hildian days. Missing all my little brothers and sisters.

Well at least auntie veron's still around. :)

Just back from the relentless sprint sets on a hot sweltering sun afternoon. Got myself burnt again. Sigh.

I figure most ppl to be passionate abt something. What are you passionate abt? To have something they crave, that they want so badly. Some ppl just need a little nudging and they're off and rattling on and on abt their passion, or showing off something they love so much...some ppl love something so much that they will do it until they're comparative experts in it...even if they dun have the means to do/have it, they will find the way, no matter wat, come hail or high water...Now THAT is passion! And to spend your life involved in that passion somehow, be it work...or as a lifestyle...would be what we all wanna do.

Ok...I have dreams too, there are things I wish I could do, or I wanna do before I reach 30. Is that a passion? Or are they goals? I have transitory passion. I may feel that burning desire in the beginning, but over time, this passion never fails to peter out or fizzle into nothing. It was sailing at 1st...then the unforgettable rides on my precious cannondale and bokor...until some unfortunate incident happened. Next came climbing that brought me so many pleasant memories. Now it's the triathlon experience. Whats next?

Maybe they change or become more focused. I never have that drive to sacrifice something for my passion. Lets discount the time, money and discipline. I'm refering to sacrificing certain objectives in life. Am I passionless? Or just adaptive? Could be I just noe how not to expect stuff...dun dream abt something till it becomes remotely possible, or you're just deceiving yourself and prolonging your pain! Focus on the here and now...so what if your passion changes every so often?

I believe I have passion for a lot more things that way, even if they are only transitory...

Disappointment.

I tot I heard someone I respect greatly say something that made me stop and turn and think today. I had immense amounts of respect for him, and am always singing his praises, trying to see into his actions, to interpret them to see what the hidden meaning behind them was.

But when he revealed this kink in his armour, I was thoroughly taken aback, to the point of stopping in mid-step, frozen in disbelief. I just hope that wat he said at that point in time was me mis-hearing it, knowing how I am half deaf most of the time...But if I heard it right, then I dunno how I will be able to hold him in such a high regard in future anymore.

Sigh.

Work mostly.

Training suddenly took on a different level. From casual, relaxed, no stress environment, to a strange increase in tension and expectations. This was observed soon after the dengue period. So I've had to re-organise goals, expectations of myself, time-frames and mindsets.. and I must say, things are definitely for the better, tho the level of stress has gone to my head. I am constantly having mild headaches, light-headedness, terrible muscle aches and physical pain and of late, feeling sleepy once again. I still am looking forward to training, but have realised many many things, having been bitten a wee bit already.

And so the HEAT is ON!

sorting it out
silly mistakes
anger within myself
disappointment
time
patience
no more hopes
clear headed again
moving on
all smiles
silly no more

I walked across an empty land

I knew the pathway like the back of my hand

I felt the earth beneath my feet

Sat by the river and it made me complete

So why don't we go

Somewhere only we know?

one hug

One hug can make you feel wanted

one hug can make you feel want

One hug is all you need to make your day better

one hug is all you need to make your week seem bleak

One hug, the salve to old wounds

one hug, the promise of new pain

One hug

I have a new source of light in my life.

I did not realise it till recently actually...all the old joys have sort of faded to the background; they're still there, but this new one has sorta taken precedence for now. To be honest, I wun call it totally new...lets just leave it as a new old feeling.

I lived for moments previously, and I lived for time spent with ppl. I lived for the exhilaration and the suspense, as well as for the entertainment, adrenaline and passion...I even lived for the sense of accomplishment...

Recently, a little fish has swam into my fishbowl, invaded it, and left an indelible mark, which I fear, will be harder to wash away than dried-up bird-droppings...However, a similar noun - die - will come in soon, and like a bug-eyed goldfish, this one mite die too. I only wish there was a longer lifespan to it, or a way tt it will survive for a longer time.

Its just a dream...a dream i dun wana wake up frm.

There are times when u just dun say things cos its pointless...saying it may make u feel better...it may tell someone wat it is tt's on your mind, but it still won't change the situation.

There are many things u can point at to take the blame for it, but then again, wat's the point still? If it ain't yours, its never gonna be...no matter wat u do. U can't force some things.

U can wish for the best...and bear it cos its a burden you created, not anyone else's. Tt's all. :(

To some ppl, I haf done a shitload of things. To others, wat I've done is of no consequence, cos they've done many other things.

I dun think there's much of a comparison to be made at all. In the end, wen u tok to someone, its a chance to find out if you can match character-wise...its not abt outdoing someone, or being better than someone. Its abt trying to merge one's own characteristics with that of another person's...its abt a genuine interest in finding out abt another person...

The thought tt inspired this got lost, and I'll just end here before I get anymore confused.

another year over

Today I went to read up old posts from this blog. I realise I had a lot more to say last time. Also...I was so crptic and mysterious abt my subjects so much so that I can't even remember now wat I blogged abt then...not that i blog very often in the 1st place.

These days seem more sombre and morose, with me hardly able to put feelings into words anymore. Work and training...basically having something to do gives me some semblance of joy. When left to my devices, slothfulness dictates my boredom. That and the silence of the mobile. Something just seems wrong and missing in my life. Oh well.

Skool's just reopened. Looking forward and not looking forward to the new modules (weird as it sounds but u know what i mean). Jan's gona be full of treats or tricks...depending how things work out after all gruelling workout sessions during the hols.

Feb will be another lonely month. K...out of point.

2004 was an interesting yr and it ended with another dent in my life. Well, life's full of surprises isn't it?

Writing resolutions used to a thing of the past for me but i decided i should have some this year. Shan't bore. Maybe some snippets. More so of bad habits that desperately calls out for some change.

1) I do need to stop shaking my legs wen im seated so i dun irritate the hell out of ppl seating ard me. But sometimes, i realie can't help it. They just move on their own. :( My legs...they just wana be kept on the road.

2) I need to stop biting and playing around with straws after i finish my meals. Not a very pleasant sight. Esp wen i need to reuse them for wadeva reason.

So pls...whoever is out with me. Do me the favor...slap me and wake me up frm my ideas...as i proceed on the journey in 2005 to correct the ought-to-be nonexistent features of a cultured person. Bleargh....

ivp trainings, sheares swim and my constituency training been taking a toil on me. And it doesn't help that i can't prioritise b/w the 3. Absolutely sucky.

NTU is a fomidable opponent. Ironmen or no ironmen, my current team is also a force to reckoned with. And with the race ground at sentosa tis yr, clashing with the nus biathlon... we have not lack of familiarity since sentosa is sort of our tuff and our supporters will be lining the racecourse.

Sheares swim is pushing too hard. Regardless of the team's goal, my personal objective is to break into the 4x50m free relay team. It can be done tho comments have been flooding my ears that im inclined towards mid and long distance swimming. I WILL prove my critics wrong. Wait for the next time trial. Sigh...it sounds silly but it's just....personal and my sole source of movtivation.

Constituency trainings takes on a major role in my life since im holding an appointment. And the current medley teams i have are incredibly strong. Toa Payoh can say goodbye to the reins of the meet if they're gona be complacent abt their swimmers.

And all this does not help when all 3 events, ivp, ihg and inter-constituency swimming meet are gona occur during the wee months of 2005.

Sometimes, it's hard to tell ppl how tired u can be. It's like everyone sees me liddat everyday and gets the feeling that i have this perpetual long black face...anti and unapproachable. Well, sometimes im really tired. I am made of flesh and blood.

Sometimes, i do hate my sports. It's got nothing to do with passion...it's not fun...it always pushing urself to the limit...just pushing. There's no teammates to pass the ball to...or any chance to wield a racket. It's mentally draining.

Nuff ranting. Bear with me for tis couple of mths. Smiling is included in my list of resolutions so hopefully i can exhibit enuff of tt cos it does make me a tad happier as well. God bless me and all the sportsmen i know and may the coming months be a road leading to more self-discovery and filled with nice surprises.

leaving it

Tantalizing nightmares,

Running through my head,

Eyes pried open,

Too many words never said.

Nuff said. Don't know how to feel anymore. Dun wana think abt it anymore.